It’s always been a goal of mine to fuck the whole alphabet. That is, to fuck a different girl with the first name that starts with a different letter of the alphabet. Alice, Becky, Carol, Dawn, etc.
Is that a weird idea? I think about it a lot. I think it comes from the apple game we always played when I was a kid. The one where you twist the stem in a circle while saying the alphabet and whatever letter you say when the stem pops off, that’s the first letter of the name of the person you’ll marry.
If you had a specific person in mind, you tried to land on that letter. I had a girlfriend named Randi. Do you know how fast you have to say the alphabet and how slowly you have to twist the apple to get all the way to the eighteenth letter?
When I was in highschool, I really thought that I could keep the number of people I slept with to under ten. I wanted to be able to count them all on my hands. A finger for each girl (that sounds dirtier than I intended). But the point is that I’ve never wanted to be that promiscuous. Some guys wanted to have sex with as many girls as possible. I just wanted to have sex as much as possible, and if it were with one girl, that would be fine.
If it were with ten different girls, I knew there was a chance my heart wouldn’t survive that long. I could fall in love so easily. I could fall in love at the drop of a hat, and even easier at the drop of the panties. And I fell out of love even harder than I fell in love. If I fell in love with my heart, I fell out of love with my soul. I broke and shattered every time.
I dated one girl at least twenty different times, break up every week, make up the next week. And my heart ached the whole time.
I was born with a heart murmur – a valve that never fully closes. Instead of going boom-boom, boom-boom, I go boom-swish. Boom-swish. My heart leaks.
So, to love so easily and fall so dumbly, I think it would be an insane idea to sleep with more women than a handful, let alone two handfuls.
To sleep with a whole alphabet? Shit, I’ve been searching for someone with a name that starts with a “E” forever. I’ve got A, B, C, and possibly D covered.
I can’t think of someone with a D name right now. I’m pretty sure I could yesterday, though. Maybe not. My memory fails me that easily, I guess. So, I need a D and an E. I have an F. No G. No H.
Anyway, I don’t have most. I have four A’s, though. That’s the problem – too many names start with the same letter. Annoying.
Maybe A is my lucky letter. Like having a lucky number. A is a nice letter, but it’s not the one I would have thought would be mine. I could see myself as an E-man. Maybe M. It’s so symmetrical. S would work. I love S’s.
Anyway. I’m eating an apple. A. You have to pull hard and twist fast to snap that stem on an A.
I need more fingers or less letters, or else I’ve got more falling to do. Can you imagine falling out of love twenty six times in one lifetime? That sounds like a hell of a lot of suffering just to complete an alphabet.
Bryan Howie lives in the American Inland Northwest, where he has been searching
for a muse in trees and rivers. He also loves photography and motorcycling, but has a
hard time doing both simultaneously.
Bryan’s stories have appeared in Volume 6 of The Best of Carve Magazine and Red Fez,
among other places. You can find him online at bryanhowie.com.